What do I mean when I say the principle most helpful and necessary in marriage is that of mutual submission? Do I mean he tells her what to do and she tells him what to do? A trade-off in domination? No, I don't. I knew a couple who had a marriage like that. He bossed her around and controlled her actions. She couldn't do things that he didn't like or that he thought were unladylike or "unspiritual." So she lived a cramped life and was a bit neurotic. He, on the other hand, was controlled by her in a different way. He submitted to her emotionally--not willingly, I think, but they had this trade-off situation as though they had a silent agreement to make each other miserable. He was always in hot water for making her sad or nervous, or for offending someone (in her opinion). And she was always in fear of doing something that would disobey his commands. That's not the kind of mutual submission I have in mind!
I'm talking about mutual submission as reflected in several New Testament passages and in some Old Testament happenings. It is, surprisingly, the kind of relationship Sarah and Abraham must have had at least some of the time, as we will see later when we examine 1 Peter 3. I think it is presented most clearly in Ephesians 5:21: "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God" (KJV).
Mutual submission is a way of living, an attitude toward others. It is something one does because one wants to, not because one has to. This Ephesians passage really begins with verse 18 of Ephesians 5. Paul has been talking about, among other things, the contrasts between the old way (pagan) and the new way of living (in Christ). In verse 18 he begins with a command, "Be not drunk with wine (which was not just a part of a wine-drinking culture, but a part of the pagan Greek religious practice). . . , but (the contrast) be filled with the Spirit." Then follows in the original language a series of participles telling the believer in which areas they are to be filled with the Spirit°Za working out of this new way in Christ. These participles are: giving thanks, speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns, and submitting yourselves one to another. This was the Spirit-filled way, in contrast to the pagan way that naturally resulted from pagan worship. They drank wine, and in drunkenness and emotional frenzy they thanked their gods, sang, and related to one another.
In our study of relationships between Christians, verse 21 steps out to meet us with this curious gentle suggestion on how we can relate to each other in a "filled-with-the-Spirit" way°Zby submitting ourselves to one another in the fear of God.
I can almost hear the Ephesians saying, "How in the world can we do that with our relationships set up as they are?" Paul must have anticipated their difficulty because he then tells them how. The several verses following 21 tell the believers how they can work out this mutual submitting in their own very rigid hierarchical social system. How would a slave live out this attitude of mutual submission with his master (who owns his body)? And how would the master submit to his slave? Paul tells them both.
The different social strata in Greek life were so unequal in power that for Paul to have given them instructions to submit without explaining how to work this out in their own situations would have caused all manner of abuses of the principle.
Can't you just hear slaves saying, "Now that I am a Christian and you, Master, are too, we should submit to each other. So you do my work today, and I will do yours!" You can take it from there with children and fathers, husbands and wives. These verses were given to those people because they needed to know how to live out this new way, how to love each other without exploiting each other.
Mutual submission was a principle given to guide relationships between all believers. The verses following verse 21 tell how to work it out in three of the most unequal relationships in the society of that day. Paul begins with the relationship between wives and husbands.
Paul's instruction to wives has often been misunderstood and misinterpreted in the past. Part of the reason is that English translations of verse 22 have usually begun the verse with a command, "Wives submit," and have made no connection at all between verses 22 and 21. But they cannot be separated, for in the original language they are a continuous sentence with verse 22 having no participle of its own. The word so often translated "submit" does not occur in the text of 22, and it is inaccurate to use it. The participle in 22 is the participle understood from the previous verse. In the Greek text it reads: "Submitting yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ, wives to your own husbands as to the Lord in everything." The participle is hupotassomenoi, in the middle voice. Used thus, it is not a command to wives to submit, but is a call to self volitional submission by all believers. The following words to wives tell them how to work this out, how to submit in relation to their husbands. Wives are to submit to husbands as to the Lord and in everything. A lack of attention to the original language and a lack of knowledge of first-century Greek married life has caused this passage to be misunderstood.
You recall that Greek wives and husbands did not usually
have the close contact or companionship we experience in modern Western marriages. They were not necessarily even friends. And the Greek wife was already submitted. There was no point in commanding her to submit to her husband; she had to, legally and practically. She really didn't have any choice in the matter. But there was a need to tell her how to submit in a Christian manner. Her attitude toward her husband now was to be one of respect and honor ''as to the Lord." And it was to be "in everything," not only when he was looking or might find out about it later. This instruction speaks directly to the Greek wife's position as underling. It was so tempting to get back at an all-powerful husband for his neglect and mistreatment. A woman could waste and spoil her husband's goods, talk disparagingly about him, and be generally disrespectful and divisive. She could also shame him publicly and cause trouble for him by behaving in a disreputable or illegal manner. Oh, there were lots of things she could do to even the score. But the Christian woman was to stop all this destructive behavior.
Following the words to the wife, the husband is instructed, for his part in this mutual submission, to love his wife as himself. This part of the passage also is often misunderstood because it is not seen in relation to verse 21. Frequently it is presented as an almost impossible goal for a man. He is encouraged to have a kind of holy, mystical, superior love for his wife that can somehow raise her to a higher spiritual level. That is not what Paul is instructing at all. He is talking about a simple, practical outworking of mutual submission that hit the Greek husband precisely where he needed it. Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, as the saying goes. The Greek husband had nearly absolute power over his wife. And he erred in precisely this area°Zthe misuse of superior power by degrading and misusing his wife. So Paul tells the husband to treat his wife with the same kind of consideration with which he treats himself. This raises her to the same level with him. And she, by treating him with the respectful and honorable manner she holds for Christ, stops the undercutting destructive ways of the manipulating underdog. Thus, in this rigidly patriarchal culture, it was possible to have a relationship of equals. They became equal persons, to each other. They were living lives of mutual submission.
From this passage, and others that reflect it (1 Cor. 7:3-4; 1 Cor. 11:11-12; Gal. 3:28; Col. 3:11; Luke 22:25-27), the principle of mutual submission shines forth. It is not just a principle for husbands and wives but for all relationships between all believers. In every walk of life, and in every station, we are persons of equal value and should treat each other accordingly.
The rest of this passage goes on to tell the Ephesian believers how to work out mutual submission in two other very unequal relationships, those of father and child, and master and slave. Their situations were similar to those of husband and wife, in that one member had all the legal rights and power along with the temptations to lord it over the other that go with such power. The other member in each twosome held the position of legal and social underdog with all the temptations that went with it to maneuver, manipulate, and get even with the "overdog."
This long passage carries a message about power and the misuse of it by both sides, and it ends with that in mind: "In conclusion, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might" (Eph. 6:10 MLB). Believers are to use power as the Lord would use it, not to oppress but to serve each other kindly. Again, the contrast is shown between the old way they had lived in paganism where their gods were more oppressive and selfish than humans, and the new way in Christ in which love motivated service and non-exploitation. "I call you my friends," Jesus had said, and they were to be that to each other too, on every level.
What is mutual submission? It is not self-negation and letting yourself be a doormat. It is saying, in effect, "You are as valuable as I am, and so I will not take advantage of you. By the same token, I am as valuable as you are, so you should not take advantage of me either."
But doesn't this lead to hair-splitting and a legalistic view of one's relationship? You know, the old 50-50 dilemma? I suppose it could, if it were not for the Person who began this whole passage in Ephesians 5:18 and to whom we all have access. Verse 18 says, "Be filled with the Spirit." And it is the Holy Spirit who can show us, as individuals and collectively, how to work out our own situations according to this principle.
We do not need rigid rules. We have the biblical principle--mutual submission. And we have the Holy Spirit to help us put it into practice and to lead us in all the variations of our lives and marriages. He is always there.
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Heirs Together, by Patricia Gundry, Published by Suitcase Books http://www.suitcasebooks.com Copyright Patricia Gundry