We've walked through new territory in this book, gently and considerately I hope. I want to finish this walk together with a sense of completeness. Not that I expect to have said the last word on the subject or presented the total picture of what equal marriage is like or how to go about it. No, I hope this will be only a beginning of thinking and writing about biblically equalitarian marriage.
What I want to do is look back over the book and see it as a whole. Also, I think we should consider the subject of completeness itself as it relates to marriage.
Marriage Is a Relationship
We looked at marriage historically and sociologically and discovered that there are many different types of marriage and different ways of living within marriage. The relationship between the two partners seemed to be the only element of marriage that is common to all. Because of this, the relationship itself became the focus of our study. The state of the relationship within marriage makes it either satisfying or uncomfortable for its partners. Fortunately, the relationship is the one part of marriage that anyone can work on regardless of social situations or marriage customs and laws.
Biblical Guidelines for Relationships
The principle of mutual submission as presented in Ephesians 5:21 shines out as the overriding principle for relationships in the church, the home, and at work. This "I am as valuable as you are and you are as valuable as I am" principle can be used by believers, with the Holy Spirit's guidance, to achieve unity in the church, harmony and growth in the home, and to express the love we have for one another. It is a means to avoid wasting any of God's gifts to us.
For working out the details, we have our own good common sense, the experiences of others shared with us, and God's guidance from within.
Completeness
We, as Christians, believe that God fulfills us, adds that something we were missing before Christ came into our lives. We see Jesus as the fullness of God's love and provision for our needs. We talk about maturing in Christ and growing up to our full size spiritually. Yet when we come to marriage, we do a surprising turnaround. We, as Christians, also share a common belief that we are not quite whole people until we are married.
The opinion that one must be married to be whole, revealed only half-jokingly in talk about "my better half," has some unfortunate results. It causes unmarried Christians who are beyond the customary age for marriage to be regarded as less than whole people. Unmarried people are often subtly given the message that something must be wrong with them.
But is this true? Does marriage, union with another person in matrimony, take two partial people and make one whole entity? We talk about becoming "one," as though separately we are not already each one to begin with.
Perhaps we are confusing two meanings of the concept of unity. Unity can mean different incomplete elements converging to create a complete unit. Or, unity can mean whole and complete-in-themselves units banding together for a common goal. In the former case, many parts make one whole. In the latter, many wholes make a unified effort, a unified cooperation. I believe that the biblical instructions about mutual submission and the unity of believers is talking about the second kind of unity'that of whole people cooperating. Christ has already made each one whole; now they are uniting for common purposes. In biblical marriage, the same kind of unity is called for. It takes two whole people to have a whole marriage.
It is not hard to find the origin of the idea that marriage partners are not complete people separately. Medieval theologians did not believe women were whole persons. As they put it, the woman alone was not in the image of God, but could be when joined to her husband. English common law did not regard a wife as a whole person but as a part of her husband.
Also, in the past the need for a male heir to pass one's property on to probably made most men feel incomplete until they had acquired a wife to provide that son. The business of growing up and becoming a mature man would have been incomplete without a wife to provide descendants.
The tragedy is that this belief that marriage partners are incomplete before marriage has had a harmful effect upon marriage. If two people approach marriage feeling that it will make them complete, they are automatically setting themselves up for a disillusioning experience. Immaturity does not disappear with the signing of a marriage license. Emotional hang-ups do not fall away just because you have wed. You will still be you.
This belief that marriage completes us and thus somehow solves our problems contributes to disappointment with marriage. After the beautiful ceremony is over and fairy-tale clothes are put away, everything else can seem downhill if magical solutions to feelings of inadequacy were expected.
But if two whole people come together as a team, a satisfying and realistic relationship can be built.
I do like the German word 'gestalt.' My fourth-year-German-student son, David, explained it to me once, and it has been a favorite of mine ever since. Like many other good words it has rich shades of meaning and is difficult to translate precisely. Gestalt describes the feeling that everything fits together and has been brought to a satisfying completion. It is like a closed circle. No loose ends. It doesn't mean the end of a good thing, but that everything has worked out well.
I would like to leave you with gestalt.
I've shared my own personal journey toward equal marriage and what I have learned about it. I have looked at it biblically, historically, and practically. I feel good about equal marriage because it is biblical and practical. Sometimes Christians are hesitant to say something is reasonable or practical as an indication that it is right because they don't want to appear to be adapting their faith to what is merely convenient. And it is good to be aware of that possibility. But I have noticed that what God teaches us is ultimately the most practical way to do anything; He is the supreme realist.
So, I hope this book provides some gestalt for you in the presentation of information and ideas that you can use. But most of all, I hope that you two can create your own gestalt together, beginning now.
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Heirs Together, by Patricia Gundry, Published by Suitcase Books http://www.suitcasebooks.com Copyright Patricia Gundry