When I was thinking of the ways equal marriage has changed our family and other families I know who live like this, I realized there are a lot of extras I have been enjoying but didn't connect with the equality bit. I want to tell you about them now to encourage you and give you something else to look forward to if you decide to live more equally.
Family Benefits
A marriage of equal people affects the whole family because you eventually realize you must treat your children as equal people too. This does not mean that you express that equality in exactly the same way as you would with another adult. You do not give them responsibilities they are not capable of handling. But it does make a difference'several differences.
First of all, children learn by watching you handle division of labor, disagreements, problem solving, mutual respect. You may find them asking for more participation in the decision making process.
We found that as parents we became less willing to make all our children's decisions for them as we got more into a relationship of equals with each other. I found myself balking at having to hand down and enforce decisions about chores, homework, and privileges.
Now the children in our family did not always want to have a responsible part in the decision making process. They were a bit lazy about it at first. They would have liked it better if we parents had decided; then if they didn't like the decision they could fuss about it or argue until they got what they wanted in the first place, or at least softened the blow.
We discovered that our children were playing a game, in which we unwittingly participated, called "Make Me Do It Mom/Dad." The object was to see how many ways they could drag out a job or a bedtime or avoid a responsibility. If we insisted, they made excuses, complained that we were unfair, or used any other ploy they thought might work. It was a kind of, "Well, folks, we are your responsibility; you just have to make us do what we should." The way we solved this was a spin-off from our own equalization as marriage partners. We instituted a family council. We tried it out two or three times unsuccessfully before we hit on a way that worked for our family (probably also until we finally decided that we would make it work).
Now we all get together once a week for a few minutes and air complaints, assign work, and set goals. We, as parents, told the children that we did not intend to consider all the work as basically ours, that we are a family and we believe the work should be fairly divided and done with quality results. At first there were quite a few disruptive jokes, but eventually they became convinced we really intended to share both the work and the decision making with them.
We don't make changes unless we can all agree. Each has equal access to the decision making and discussion, and we try to avoid politicking and stick to the issue at hand. And it is working. I'll give you an example. We all share household work. The children rotate dishwashing and bathroom cleaning among them. Nobody is too keen on cleaning the bathroom, but now the attitude toward the work has changed. It is no longer, "If it gets bad enough, Mom will make me do it. Or she might even do it herself if she is embarrassed about it being so dirty." Now there is a cry of, "Who has the bathroom this week?" And it isn't Mom doing the objecting because they know they are all getting cheated if it is dirty. They have finally realized it is their bathroom too. And if it isn't clean, they have to live in the mess. And they have to clean it next week with double the work.
I'm not saying everyone should have a family council, or that it is a cure-all. It is just one way equalization in our marriage has affected our family. And it has been a good influence.
I think you will find yourself being more considerate of your children as individuals under a more equal regime. It is hard on your conscience to be the heavy-handed father or mother when you are experiencing the liberating effects of a more equal relationship with your husband or wife. You want to help the child be himself or herself rather than impose your own ideas. Don't misunderstand me though; I don't mean you just turn them loose and let them grow up like weeds. Children need parents to guide them and set boundaries they are not knowledgeable or experienced enough to set for themselves. But much of what passes as parental concern is really just domination of someone smaller than you are. Once in awhile almost every parent catches himself or herself doing it. You tend to catch yourself more, and be more uncomfortable with domination, when you are not living in a dominant-submissive relationship with your spouse.
I now find myself encouraging my children to solve their own problems. I don't know if equalizing marriage has anything to do with it or not, but I suspect it does. In an equal relationship one has more hope that problems can be rationally solved, that it is possible to do something about a bad or uncomfortable situation. It not only encourages cooperation, but also self-reliance. Somehow, seeing my children as whole and equal persons instead of little people I must control and mold as an authoritarian parent gives me a more realistic view of their capabilities and limitations. I can empathize with their problems without having to take over and solve them. Perhaps, too, equalitarian marriage frees me to spend more emotional energy on a positive relationship with others. I am not so stressed with unresolved conflicts with my mate that I haven't enough of myself left to share with my children and to see when a problem does need my parental help and control.
I asked our children if they have noticed a difference in our family as a result of the kind of marriage Stan and I have. And did they like the difference? Three agreed that they liked the differences they could see; one was rather noncommittal. Jon, who is eleven, said, "You can ask either parent if you want something. You don't have to wait for the one who makes the final decisions to come home and decide."
Ann, nineteen, said, "You don't have everyone conspiring together to convince Dad to let you have or do what you want. There is not so much secrecy as in families where they are always saying, 'Don't tell Dad, but. ...' I don't think the mother gets the same respect as the father in a family where her decisions aren't as important. She isn't allowed to make the important ones."
Dave, sixteen said, "Everyone seems more equal. There is no dictator ruling over the family. You are more likely to get what you want because both parents contribute a wider understanding and interest than if only one made the final decision. So you have more chance of someone being able to identify with why you want it and how you feel."
The above interviews were done while Dan, eighteen, was away on a trip. In my eagerness to incorporate his comments I made the mistake of asking him his opinion soon after he got home from a ten-hour drive and two almost sleepless nights. "Doesn't make any difference to me," he said and stalked off to bed. Well, three out of four isn't bad. I think I can say they recommend it. Mostly.
Another value for the children is that skills in dividing responsibility, problem solving, and empathizing at home prepare them for living more harmoniously with others when they leave home for college or are on their own. It helps them learn the democratic process.
In The Kitchen Sink Papers Mike McGrady tells how his family equalized work and responsibility during the year he spent as the housewife of the family. At the end of the year they drew up a family contract spelling out their new divisions of labor and responsibilities.
He says, "What we are after is an equal distribution of rights and responsibilities, a classless family." He goes on to say that their division of work and responsibility is right for their own family but that other families would need to work things out to suit their own needs. But I think we could all agree with the 'General Philosophy' which bound it all together and appears right above the signatures of all the members of the family.
'1. Never do anything that bothers, hurts or interferes with another member of the family.
2. It's a home, not a house, and it should be treated accordingly.
3. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. '1
That sounds like mutual submission, doesn't it?
Communication
Everybody is always talking about the need for communication, but nobody seems to define what it is. Certainly it is not just talking with someone or being with them without watching television or reading a book. It is sending and receiving true messages in a pleasant and meaningful way. Communication is being open and vulnerable. And it is better between equals. In fact, maybe the only way communication is possible is between equals. How can you communicate without honesty? And how can you be honest unless you refuse to distort your own self? And how can the other person really hear you unless they are being their own self without roles superimposed?
Do I mean by this that equalitarian marriage makes communication simple and always possible without problems? No. Not for my husband and me anyway. But it is easier to break through the barriers that prevent real communication when we can drop games and manipulations and state our real feelings and needs. We fight and disagree intensely sometimes. But we have a basis for meeting to discuss our differences and work out a way to still be friends and partners.
I know so many families whose members cannot be open with each other. Their communication is a tangled maze worthy of any soap opera. I'm not much of a soap opera buff myself, but I have watched one of them enough times to know the general drift of the various plots and who is married to whom and who was to whom before who is now was. And I came to the conclusion that this program has one main theme'well-meaning deception. Everybody on "All My Children" seems to get into trouble because they have covered up the truth, stretched it a bit, or downright lied'and usually "for their own good."
That same deception is so common in Christian families that it could be the number one reason for communication breakdowns.
I knew one family in which this was an intriguing sidelight to knowing them. Everyone was communicating on two levels. There was the actual conversation, which was pleasant and jovial, but underneath there was another river flowing. They spent a lot of time figuring out "what he/she really meant." It took me awhile to realize this was going on, that fights, jealousies, and conflicts were all being waged subtly underneath their peaceful exterior.
I came from a family where people got mad and blew up, told each other what they thought, let it. blow over, and went on without too much internalized residue. But in this family there was a constant back water of unresolved conflicts and anger because they could not meet openly as real people and discuss their problems. They had to pretend to be someone else, to keep to their prescribed roles and "place." They were afraid to communicate honestly with each other so they missed the closeness they could have had.
You can't live like that and be equal persons. And you can't really communicate when you live as they did.
Intimacy
This is another fringe benefit that is hard to define. You know when you have it. It's that feeling you get when you snuggle up with a three-year-old and read him a story and he looks up into your eyes and says, "Daddy, you know what .'?" It's the feeling a mother gets breast-feeding her baby in a relaxed and cozy place with just the two of them there caring about each other. It's what we all long for'a communication that is heart to heart, skin to skin.
An equal marriage will not automatically produce intimacy, but I don't think you can have true intimacy without a marriage of equal persons. If one of you has control, the weak partner will be forced to use games to get what he or she needs from the other. They may play games like "If You Really Loved Me You Would." The weak partner cannot feel free to state needs and wants and expect that they will be discussed or considered as equal to the needs and wants of the dominant partner. Any time we must use ploys to get what we need, we destroy the possibility for intimacy. Intimacy involves being totally open and vulnerable to the other person at that moment. We must feel safe enough in the other's presence to risk that vulnerability.
'I am so happy with you
I can discuss all my thoughts, or
I don't have to say anything
You always understand.
I am so relaxed with you
I don't need to pretend
I don't need to look good
You accept me for what I am.
I am so strong with you
I depend on you for love
But I live my own life
You give me extra confidence to succeed.' 2
Sex
How can you have a whole book on marriage and never discuss the subject of sex? Well, folks, this is it. And it's true'there is a sexual fringe benefit to equalitarian marriage.
We've been talking about being free to be your own self and discover who that self is in a marriage which allows you to be all you are and can be. Sex is a prime area for concealment of true feelings and desires. We are so conditioned by our upbringing and society's (including the church) messages about sex that by the time we reach marriage our sexuality has been thoroughly repressed or distorted. Some of us have never told anyone how we really feel about sex or what we would like sexually. Often we do not even know ourselves what we really think about it. The Christian community is moving toward accepting sexuality as the good gift from God that it is, but we have far to go before all Christians are comfortable with sexual expression, even within marriage.
An equal marriage has several advantages over a hierarchical one when it comes to sex. It may be fun for awhile to pretend that the husband is a Macho Man and the wife is a Fascinating Female, but since people don't fit such stereotypes very well, the day inevitably comes when it becomes a pose. You aren't being real; you long to be yourself and drop the pretenses. In an equal relationship both men and women are free to discover their sexuality as it really is. It is possible to gradually peel away the layers of conditioning and find out what you do like and do not like, to learn to ask for what you want and be free to refuse kindly what you do not.
In marriages of equal people you no longer need to know what some expert thinks women want sexually; you can ask your own wife and have some confidence that she will tell you. You can throw out other people's ideas. If you read that women don't mind if they do not experience orgasm, but you do mind, then you have enough confidence in your own self and partner to believe your own body, not discount it to adapt to someone else's concept of your sexual role.
Rather than focusing on supposed differences between the sexes and what this means sexually, the equal couple is free to focus on each other. They want mutuality in their sexual experiences, not conformity. One can be free to learn what the partner is like and forget preconceived notions. Consideration for the other can replace wondering how you are doing as a sex partner.
Sex can be what you want it to be. What if you had never heard of sex before? What if you had just discovered it? How would you learn about this new thing, live with it, enjoy it?
If you are experiencing problems in your sexual relationship, you can be freer to talk openly about them with each other in the atmosphere of an equal relationship. You can look at it as a problem you share and use problem solving techniques. It is no longer a silent "something is wrong"'or worse, the belief that one of you is inadequate.
The sharing nature of a marriage based on mutual submission brings a consideration and comfortableness to sex that can make it what you want it to be at any given time'fun, physical desire, or a way to express intimacy.
Personal Identity
When I talk to people with equalitarian marriage relationships or read what they have written, I find a recurring comment inserting itself. Living with another person who treats you as a whole, equal person has a liberating effect on what you are able to be as an individual, apart from the relationship.
Women tell me that their husbands have encouraged them to try things they were hesitant to undertake because it seemed beyond their abilities or was unacceptable to others because women "don't do those things." Husbands encouraged their wives to do these things because they knew their wives were capable people; they could see the potential. Again and again, that encouragement and emotional support while undertaking the difficult task has been the key ingredient to making it a positive experience. Sometimes it was the key to making it possible at all.
Men, in turn, confide that they are free to do things they had not attempted before. Their wives have helped them uncover ambitions and feelings they had hidden because they were either unacceptable to their own families when they were growing up or to society at large. Men often find the personal affirmation in an equalitarian relationship liberating for their emotions. It hasn't been acceptable in our culture for men to experience the full range of human emotions. As a result, they have had to push unacceptable emotions down inside and sometimes even convince themselves that those feelings did not exist.
A marriage of equal persons helps us get in touch with who we really are. We dare to believe that our dreams can really come true. We can come out of hiding and be the real us.
In an earlier chapter I talked about the need for personal awareness and growth as a particularly contemporary need. Equalitarian relationships provide both the personal freedom necessary to allow the individuals room to grow to full potential within the marriage and the support to encourage that growth in spite of setback and opposition from without. We need to be accepted not only for who we are, but for who we can become.
'Any force that stands in the way of our becoming is alien
to us. To have someone who shares your closest thoughts
and feelings stand in your way is to be tripped on your
own doorstep before you have had a chance to try your
fortunes in the world. The worst thing one partner can say
to the other is, "You kept me from being me." 3
The mutual acceptance in an equalitarian marriage can even help us become more mature adults. E. Mansell Pattison, a Christian psychologist, in talking about the transition from an immature, childlike image of self to that of an adult says, "Up to this time we talked about external things that define who I am. The move into adult mature identity requires that one be able to surely fIx the sense of self as primarily an internal attribute of self. No longer does what I do define who I am. Rather, because of who I am, I now define what I do."4 He points out that failure to make this transition results in identity crisis when a person must change what he does. Because his identity is still rooted to what he does, he doesn't know who he is.
If we expect marriage partners to fulfill certain roles and fit into stereotypes, we encourage the immature view of self that can cause problems with personal identity. But to accept the marriage partner as a person who does not need to fit into roles, who does not get his or her identity from what he or she does, is to free the partner to mature and attain a strong sense of personal identity from within that will help them withstand changes. It also promotes a feeling of personal worth and self-confidence which are assets to anyone.
That Something Extra
A certain vitality and comfortableness shine from several equalitarian marriages I have observed. A couple of things I read recently reminded me of the way they are.
'If two people living together do not generate a world that is greater than the sum of each of them alone, their union is superficial and static.' 5
'Anthropologist Ruth Benedict often wrote about the 'cooperative energy' that flows like an electric current through a harmonious group. Similarly, two people working together can achieve more than either could individually using the same amount of time and effort. This effect is called 'synergy''the enrichment, the added strength, the extra hidden ingredient that occurs when a couple complement each other by bridging their differences.
Indeed, the differences are almost as important as the similarities so far as the synergic reaction is concerned. A traveler in a foreign country who fears or fights the differences in its culture does not enjoy his trip nearly so much as the traveler who accepts, respects, and even enjoys those differences. Much the same is true in marriage. If two people are exactly alike (which, of course, no two people are but which some couples seem determined to become), they limit the potential that synergy provides. For differences add not only interest but also strength when both husband and wife have learned how to deal with them.' 6
When I remember being with couples who have a relationship based on mutual submission, seeing each other as individuals who are different from each other and being glad about it, I remember a warmth between them and an electricity unlike the sparks some couples generate because of their volatile connection. There seems to be more life in the equal couples. Maybe that's because their arrangement frees the resources of both to contribute to this synergy.
I know I have experienced this feeling of combined strength in my own marriage. I don't always feel it because we don't always live in all the light we have. But I remember thinking just a day or two ago, I feel so good about everything. It's as though there is a happiness here that is something extra. It was because we were both doing what we most wanted to do and supporting each other in it, not "just to be kind" but because we had each totally accepted what the other was doing as fine, okay, because that was what that one wanted and needed to do.
Equal marriage isn't a panacea; I don't want you to think that. It won't cure all your marital ills. And you probably won't find it totally without problems in itself. We were all raised with the traditional hierarchical propaganda (and I don't mean that word propaganda in a negative way). Under pressure we tend to revert to the ways we grew up with.
If you find yourself fighting tooth and nail in all the old dirty ways you used to hate to see your parents use, and you think your equal relationship has gone down the drain, don't despair. Just pick yourselves up and start where you are to improve it.
Build a marriage together that is uniquely yours and that you can change to suit your changing needs. Make your marriage what the two of you want it to be and it will be ever-fresh and a source of contentment and joy to you.
Please sift all advice through your own competent minds with the aid of the Holy Spirit. Don't take my advice or that of any other person if it isn't right for you.
In the meantime, you may still have some questions. I hope they are answered in the next chapter.
Notes:
1. McGrady, Kitchen Sink Papers, p. 185.
2. Schutz, I Want to Laugh, p. 17.
3. David Viscott, How to Live with Another Person (New York:
Pocket Books, 1974), p. 33.
4. E. Mansell Pattison, "A Psychologist's Perspective on Woman's Role and Status," (tape) Denver Seminary Conference on Women, 1974.
5. Viscott, How to Live, p. 32.
6. Marcia Lasswell and Norman M. Lobsenz, No-Fault Marriage
(New York: Doubleday, 1976), p. 107.
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Heirs Together, by Patricia Gundry, Published by Suitcase Books http://www.suitcasebooks.com Copyright Patricia Gundry